Nay, and that which ⟨p. 264⟩grieves me the most, and should justly make my heart even to bleed within me, since I gave my name unto religion, came into the communion of Saints, and entered the ways of new obedience, I have been dragged back by the cruel policy of Satan, and the accustomed yieldingness of my sensual dispositions into some vile and hateful abominations of the days of my vanity, and time of unregeneration: and also overtaken with some new known scandalous ⟨p. 265⟩sins, to the grieving of thy good Spirit, the grievous wounding of my conscience, and the disgracing of my profession. I have been very slack and slow, and faint-hearted in promoting thy glory, furthering good causes and performing holy duties. I have been very dull and cold, cowardly and formal in all the ways of godliness, and my Christian warfare, in respect of many Christians, who have not near been so great sinners before they were converted, or received ⟨p. 266⟩the thousand part of those favours from thee, as I have done. I have been too heavy, heartless and uncomfortable in my profession, conferences, godly exercises and practises of grace; I have not so rejoiced, as I ought, in all the good things which thou hast done for me, I have not walked so cheerfully towards a crown of life, as formerly towards the damnation of hell. Nay, LORD, and even in those things, wherein I should have the greatest comfort, when I examine ⟨p. 267⟩my naughty and deceitful heart, I find nothing but confusion of face. Even my prayers, hearing and reading the Word, receiving the Sacrament, meditations, conferences, &c. are so mingled with temptations, worldly thoughts, by-respects, deadness and drowsiness of spirit, so marred with privy pride, and secret hypocrisy, that I cannot remember them without grief of heart; neither dare I think upon them without prayer for the pardon of their imperfections. ⟨p. 268⟩I find great matter of humiliation in the best of them, and I know thou mightest there also find much matter of damnation, if thou shouldest deal with me as I have deserved. O LORD my GOD, this is my state, nay and indeed a thousand times worse and more woeful yet then I or the tongue of an Angel can make it.
Nay, and that which ⟨p. 264⟩grieves me the most, and should justly make my heart even to bleede within me, since I gave my name unto religion, came into the communion of Saints, and entred the waies of new obedience, I have beene dragd back by the cruell pollicie of Satan, and the accustomed yeeldingnesse of my sensuall dispositions into some vile and hatefull abominations of the daies of my vanity, and time of unregeneration: and also overtaken with some new knowne scandalous ⟨p. 265⟩sins, to the grieving of thy good Spirit, the grievous wounding of my conscience, and the disgracing of my profession. I have beene very slack and slow, and faint-hearted in promoting thy glory, furthering good causes and performing holy duties. I have beene very dull and cold, cowardly and formall in all the waies of godlines, and my Christian warfare, in respect of many Christians, who have not neere beene so great sinners before they were converted, or receiv'd ⟨p. 266⟩the thousand part of those favours from thee, as I have done. I have beene too heavie, heartlesse and uncomfortable in my profession, conferences, godly exercises and practises of grace; I have not so rejoyced, as I ought, in all the good things which thou hast done for me, I have not walked so cheerefully towards a crowne of life, as formerly towards the damnation of hell. Nay, LORD, and even in those things, wherein I should have the greatest comfort, when I examine ⟨p. 267⟩my naughty and deceitfull heart, I finde nothing but confusion of face. Even my prayers, hearing and reading the Word, receiving the Sacrament, meditations, conferences, &c. are so mingled with temptations, worldly thoughts, by-respects, deadnesse and drowsinesse of spirit, so mard with privie pride, and secret hypocrisie, that I cannot remember them without griefe of heart; neither dare I thinke upon them without prayer for the pardon of their imperfections. ⟨p. 268⟩I finde great matter of humiliation in the best of them, and I know thou mightest there also finde much matter of damnation, if thou shouldest deale with me as I have deserved. O LORD my GOD, this is my state, nay and indeed a thousand times worse and more wofull yet then I or the tongue of an Angell can make it.
