Richard Baxter's dying thoughts upon Phil. I, 23 written for his own life and…

§ 20. God is the same God in Heaven and Earth, but I shall not be the same Man; Here I receive comparatively little, but live in darkness, doubtful and frequent sorrows; because my Receptivity is less: The windows of my Soul are not open to his light: Sin hath raised clouds, and consequently storms against my comforts: The entrances to my Soul by the straits of Flesh and Sense are narrow; and they are made narrower by sin than they were by Nature, Alas how oft would Love have spoken comfortably to me, and I was not at home, to be spoken with, but was abroad among a world of Vanities; or was not at leisure; or was asleep and not willing to be awaked! ⟨p. 178⟩How oft would LOVE have come in and dwelt with me, and I have unkindly shut my doors against him! How oft would he have been with me in secret where he freely would embrace me, but I had some pleasing company or business which I was loth to leave! How oft would he have feasted me, and had made all ready, but I was taken up and could not come; •ay, when his Table hath been spread before me, Christ, Grace and Glory have been offered to me, my Appetite hath been gone or dull, and all hath been almost neglected by me, and hath scarce seemed pleasant enough to be accepted, or to call off my mind from luscious Poison! How oft would he have shined upon me, and I have shut my windows or mine eyes: He was jealous indeed, and liked not a Partner: He would have been All to me, if I would have been All for him: But I divided my Heart, my Thoughts, my Love, my Desires, and my Kindnesses; and alas, how much did go besides him? yea, against him to his Enemies, even when I knew that all was lost, and worse than lost, which was not his? What wonder then if so foolish and unkind a sinner, had little pleasure in his Love; and if so great ingratitude and neglect of Sovereign goodness, were punished with such strangeness, and fears, and faintings, as I have long with groans lamented? Recipitur ad modum recipientis.

§ 20. God is the same God in Heaven and Earth, but I shall not be the same Man; Here I receive comparatively little, but live in darkness, doubtful and frequent sorrows; because my Receptivity is less: The windows of my Soul are not open to his light: Sin hath raised clouds, and consequently storms against my comforts: The enterances to my Soul by the streights of Flesh and Sense are narrow; and they are made narrower by sin than they were by Nature, Alas how oft would Love have spoken comfortably to me, and I was not at home, to be spoken with, but was abroad among a world of Vanities; or was not at leisure; or was asleep and not willing to be awaked!