Richard Baxter's dying thoughts upon Phil. I, 23 written for his own life and…

All this is true! But how then cometh my Soul to be yet so low, so dark, so fond of this wretched Flesh and World, and so backward to go home, and dwell with Christ? Alas a taste of Heaven on Earth is a Mercy too precious to be cast away, upon such as have long grieved and quenched the Spirit, and are not by diligent and patient seeking prepared to receive it: He that proclaimeth a general Peace, will give Peace only to the Sons of Peace: If after such unkind neglects, such wilful sins as I have been guilty of, I should expect to be suddenly in my Saviours Arm• ▪ and to be feasted presently with the first Fruits of Heaven, I should look that the Most Holy should too little manifest his hatred of my sin. My Conscience remembereth the follies of my Youth, and many a later odious sin; and telleth me that if Heaven were quite hid from my sight, and I should never have a glimpse of the Face of glorious eternal Love, it were but just: I look upward from Day to Day; I groan to see his pleased Face, and better to know my God and my home! I cry to him daily [My God, this little is better than all the pleasures of sin: My Hopes are better than all the ⟨p. 184⟩Possessions of this World: Thy gracious looks have oft revived me, and thy mercies have been unmeasurable to my Soul and Body: But O how far short am I of what even Forty Years ago I hoped sooner to have attained? Where is the Peace that passeth Understanding that should keep my Heart and Mind in Christ! O where is the seeing, the longing, the rejoicing and triumphing Faith? Where is that pleasant familiarity above, that should make a Thought of Christ and Heaven to be sweeter to me than the Thoughts of Friends, or Health, or all the Prosperity and Pleasure of this World? Do those that dwell in God, and God in them, and have their Hearts and Conversations in Heaven, attain to no more clear and satisfying perceptions of that blessed state, than I have yet attained! Is there no more acquaintance above to be here expected? No livelier sense of future joys! No sweeter foretaste? Nor fuller silencing of doubts and fears? I am not so loth to go to a Friend, nor to the Bed where I oft spend the Night in restless pains and rolling, as I have too often been to come to thee! Alas, how many of thy Servants are less afraid to go to a Prison than to their God! and had rather be banished to a Land of Strangers, than sent to Heaven!

All this is true! But how then cometh my Soul to be yet so low, so dark, so fond of this wretched Flesh and World, and so backward to go home, and dwell with Christ? Alas a taste of Heaven on Earth is a Mercy too pretious to be cast away, upon such as have long grieved and quencht the Spirit, and are not by diligent and patient seeking prepared to receive it: He that proclaimeth a general Peace, will give Peace only to the Sons of Peace: If after such unkind neglects, such wilful sins as I have been guilty of, I should expect to be suddenly in my Saviours Arm and to be feasted presently with the first Fruits of Heaven, I should look that the Most Holy should too little manifest his hatred of my sin. My Conscience remembreth the follies of my Youth, and many a later odious sin; and telleth me that if Heaven were quite hid from my sight, and I should never have a glimpse of the Face of glorious eternal Love, it were but just: I look upward from Day to Day; I groan to see his pleased Face, and better to know my God and my home! I cry to him daily [My God, this little is better than all the pleasures of sin: My Hopes are better than all the