Yet these my wounds and smart were not so great,
As many's who sate long in scorners seat:
Nor did the change so suddenly begin,
As to make known when special Grace came in:
In my young years thou hadst convinced my Soul:
Conscience did childish vanity control:
I liked thy ways as best: I honoured those,
That Folly shunned, and Holy Wisdom chose:
Thou hadst prevented Oaths and horrid crimes;
And the enormous vices of the times:
Preserving me from youthful lusts and rage:
The thoughts of Thee increasing with my Age.
This greatest Change began when I was green,
Having not much above three lustres seen:
Therefore I doubted whether it were true,
Because its entrance I no better knew:
⟨p. 14⟩Long was I sadly questioning thy Grace,
Because thy Spirits steps I could not trace.
The difference is so great 'twixt Heaven and Hell
That those must differ much who there must dwell
I feared the change which raised my soul no higher
Would not suffice to save me from Hell fire.
But above all, I thought so Hard a heart,
Could not among the living have a part.
I thought thy Son would never heal my sore,
Unless my tears and sorrow had been more.
I wondered at my great stupidity!
That could not weep when I deserved to dye.
I wondered, things so great as Heaven and Hell,
Did on my heart with no more feeling dwell!
That words which such amazing things import,
Did not sink deeper, and my soul transport!
That things of Everlasting consequence,
Did not affect me with a deeper sense.
And that a soul so near its final doom,
Could give these worldly trifles any room.
That on these shadows I could cast an eye,
While Death & Judgment, Heaven & Hell stood by.
I wondered when my odious sin was named,
I was no more confounded and ashamed!
Many a time I begged a tender heart,
And never prayed so much for joy, as smart.
I could have kissed the place where I did kneel,
If what my tongue had spoke, my heart could feel.
These were my cries when I to Thee did speak,
O that this heart of stone might melt or break!
⟨p. 15⟩These were my groans; this was my daily breath;
• save me from Hard-heartedness and Death!
This was the title which I used to take,
Senseless Hard-hearted wretch, that cannot wake.]
But as thy Wisdom gives in fittest measure;
Not all at once: It's meet we wait thy leisure.
• thought that things unseen should pierce and melt,
With as great Passion as things seen and felt.
Yet these my wounds and smart were not so great,
As many's who sate long in scorners seat:
Nor did the change so suddenly begin,
As to make known when special Grace came in:
In my young years thou hadst convinc'd my Soul:
Conscience did childish vanity controul:
I lik'd thy waies as best: I honour'd those,
That Folly shun'd, and Holy Wisdom chose:
Thou hadst prevented Oaths and horrid crimes;
And the enormous vices of the times:
Preserving me from youthful lusts and rage:
The thoughts of Thee increasing with my Age.
This greatest Change began when I was green,
Having not much above three lustres seen:
Therefore I doubted whether it were true,
Because its entrance I no better knew:
⟨p. 14⟩Long was I sadly questioning thy Grace,
Because thy Spirits steps I could not trace.
The difference is so great 'twixt Heav'n and Hell
That those must differ much who there must dwell
I fear'd the change which rais'd my soul no higher
Would not suffice to save me from Hell fire.
But above all, I thought so Hard a heart,
Could not among the living have a part.
I thought thy Son would never heal my sore,
Unless my tears and sorrow had been more.
I wonder'd at my great stupidity!
That could not weep when I deserv'd to dye.
I wonder'd, things so great as Heav'n and Hell,
Did on my heart with no more feeling dwell!
That words which such amazing things import,
Did not sink deeper, and my soul transport!
That things of Everlasting consequence,
Did not affect me with a deeper sense.
And that a soul so near its final doom,
Could give these worldly trifles any room.
That on these shadows I could cast an eye,
While Death & Judgment, Heav'n & Hell stood by.
I wonder'd when my odious sin was nam'd,
I was no more confounded and asham'd!
Many a time I beg'd a tender heart,
And never pray'd so much for joy, as smart.
I could have kiss'd the place where I did kneel,
If what my tongue had spoke, my heart could feel.
These were my cryes when I to Thee did speak,
O that this heart of stone might melt or break!
⟨p. 15⟩These were my groans; this was my daily breath;
• save me from Hard-heartedness and Death!
This was the title which I us'd to take,
Sensless Hard-hearted wretch, that cannot wake.]
But as thy Wisdom gives in fittest measure;
Not all at once: It's meet we wait thy leisure.
• thought that things unseen should pierce and melt,
With as great Passion as things seen and felt.
