I was born a child of wrath, and an heir of hell, and in my youth, was very vile and vain; Yet I did duties in a formal way, and was very confident God did love me, and of my good estate: Between sixteen and seventeen I was married, and about nineteen year old as I was riding, it being hunting time, I fell down and put my leg out of joint, which was a great misery to me, but in that affliction, God did work on me with some convictions and resolutions, ⟨p. 9⟩if I were well again to walk in Gods ways; afterward inquiring, his Providence brought Mr. Byfield's Book to me, the Marrow of Divinity, and in reading of it, God did convince me of my abundant abominable sins: I made a catalogue of them I could remember, and was in much trouble for them under the spirit of bondage, I think some months: but I have forgotten how long; but God made sin very bitter to me, and broke my heart for my sin, and from my sin: and I know God broke my heart, because his love did it, many a tear of Love did I shed in the bosom of my God. When the spirit of Adoption was come to me, then how did I mourn for sinning against the Lord, and dishonouring of his dear Name? But when I was in the pangs of the Spirit of bondage and new birth, I had great troubles ⟨p. 10⟩of Conscience, and grievous pangs and after that, dreadful blasphemous thoughts, and fain would I have run away from God, looked upon his ways as grievous, and had hard thoughts of him, but yet the Lord would not let me go, but carried me through, that I had no power to leave seeking of him, and did unhook me, and brought me to keep Fasts by my self, and to humble my soul before him, and showed me how vile I was in a great measure, and made me confess my sins with shame and sorrow; Then after this, he made me close with Jesus Christ in a promise, and gave me full assurance that all my sins were pardoned by the blood of Jesus Christ fully, and I gave up my self in Covenant to him, and by his sweet influence, and shining of his face, and comforts of his spirit, and grace, he hath made me hate the ⟨p. 11⟩most sweet and secret sin; and my hatred of all sin appears, because I desire the death of it, and desire to be freed from the enjoyment of the sweetest pleasure of the most secret sin, that I may enjoy communion with my God, whose love is far better than life: and I desire so to esteem it.
I was born a child of wrath, and an heir of hell, and in my youth, was very vile and vain; Yet I did duties in a formal way, and was very confident God did love me, and of my good estate: Between sixteen and seventeen I was married, and about nineteen year old as I was riding, it being hunting time, I fell down and put my leg out of joynt, which was a great misery to me, but in that affliction, God did work on me with some convictions and resolutions, ⟨p. 9⟩if I were well again to walk in Gods wayes; afterward inquiring, his Providence brought Mr. Byfields Book to me, the Marrow of Divinity, and in reading of it, God did convince me of my abundant abominable sins: I made a catalogue of them I could remember, and was in much trouble for them under the spirit of bondage, I think some moneths: but I have forgotten how long; but God made sinne very bitter to me, and broke my heart for my sinne, and from my sinne: and I know God broke my heart, because his love did it, many a tear of Love did I shed in the bosom of my God. When the spirit of Adoption was come to me, then how did I mourn for sinning against the Lord, and dishonouring of his dear Name? But when I was in the pangs of the Spirit of bondage and new birth, I had great troubles ⟨p. 10⟩of Conscience, and grievous pangs and after that, dreadfull basphemous thoughts, and fain would I have run away from God, looked upon his wayes as grievous, and had hard thoughts of him, but yet the Lord would not let me go, but carried me through, that I had no power to leave seeking of him, and did unhook me, and brought me to keep Fasts by my self, and to humble my soul before him, and shewed me how vile I was in a great measure, and made me confesse my sinnes with shame and sorrow; Then after this, he made me close with Jesus Christ in a promise, and gave me full assurance that all my sins were pardoned by the bloud of Jesus Christ fully, and I gave up my self in Covenant to him, and by his sweet influence, and shining of his face, and comforts of his spirit, and grace, he hath made me hate the ⟨p. 11⟩most sweet and secret sin; and my hatred of all sin appears, because I desire the death of it, and desire to be freed from the enjoyment of the sweetest pleasure of the most secret sin, that I may enjoy communion with my God, whose love is farre better than life: and I desire so to esteem it.
