Conv. Oh yes, when I was twelve or thirteen years of age, the Lord discovered my condition so much to me, that I did then firmly believe, all that did serve the Lord were in a very blessed and happy estate, let what come as could come they were happy, and likewise that if I should then have dyed, I should have been eternally miserable; having no hopes in Christ, neither did I in that condition expect any benefit by him; and as I very well remember, the Lord made the thoughts of death so terrible, that I could not endure to think ⟨p. 117⟩of it, but yet it came so much in my mind, and did so terrify me, that I cannot express how I did dread to think of it, but this worked nothing in me, but (oh with horror and amazement be it spoken) I was willing then to go to hell, and did rejoice in that I could quell my gripes of conscience, by thinking that I should be as well able to endure the flames of hell and the frowns of an angry God as any of them all, and that I should have company enough there, and so did rejoice because I was willing to be damned, willing to be damned; how, what did I say? but surely I was not; oh my soul, how can it be? make' answer; was it so? yes, and was I, oh was I indeed willing to be damned, oh the height, and length, and breadth, and depth of the love, and goodness, and long suffering patience of an offended and highly provoked God, that I was not then thrown into hell indeed; but that he should suffer such stubble as I was to be in his sight, and that the fire of his Jealousy had not consumed me as in a moment, but still I went on in sin, as if I would not have let God alone till he had damned me.
Conv. Oh yes, when I was twelve or thirteen years of age, the Lord discovered my condition so much to me, that I did then firmly believe, all that did serve the Lord were in a very blessed and happy estate, let what come as could come they were happy, and likewise that if I should then have dyed, I should have been eternally miserable; having no hopes in Christ, neither did I in that condition expect any benefit by him; and as I very well remember, the Lord made the thoughts of death so terrible, that I could not endure to think ⟨p. 117⟩of it, but yet it came so much in my mind, and did so terrifie me, that I cannot express how I did dread to think of it, but this worked nothing in me, but (oh with horrour and amazement be it spoken) I was willing then to go to hell, and did rejoyce in that I could quell my gripes of conscience, by thinking that I should be as well able to endure the flames of hell and the frowns of an angry God as any of them all, and that I should have company enough there, and so did rejoyce because I was willing to be damned, willing to be damned; how, what did I say? but surely I was not; oh my soul, how can it be? make' answer; was it so? yes, and was I, oh was I indeed willing to be damned, oh the height, and length, and breadth, and depth of the love, and goodness, and long suffering patience of an offended and highly provoked God, that I was not then thrown into hell indeed; but that he should suffer such stubble as I was to be in his sight, and that the fire of his Jealousie had not consumed me as in a moment, but still I went on in sin, as if I would not have let God alone till he had damned me.
