Upon these and such like considerations, I went to a faithful Divine to ask advice of him concerning this great duty, and when I was with him, he examined me why and how I came to embrace Religion, and when I had given him the heads only of the first account concerning compunction, he asked me who I might thank for all this, but I being somewhat slow of answer, he told me Christ, and him alone, and gave me some short but sweet advice, inviting me to be a guest at his Masters table (which was the intention of my going, which was more than he then knew on) and so dismissed me, and oh how did I then rejoice that I was found worthy to be invited to so great a banquet, and now how did I think my condition unquestionable, and nothing troubled me but want of assurance to persevere, and although the Doctor gave me a great caution to lay all upon Christ and not any thing upon self, as I now consider, but yet my eyes were so blind and my heart ⟨p. 149⟩so deceitful, that I soon forgot it; and so I prepared my heart as well as I could, and so addressed my self to the Lords Table, and was, so far as I can understand, made more welcome, I am sure than I deserved; and then I did feel the Lord with his cords of love, drawing hard at my poor soul, and so I exercised my love upon Christ, (and so far as I know) enjoyed sweet communion with him; but this lasted no longer, than my heart was enlarged in secret duties; but when they departed then my soul mourned, and could not be satisfied with a naked Christ, whilst my enlargements returned again to me, and by this I perceive I rested in duties, and not in Christ, and now once more as short as I can, and then I will conclude with this; but I cannot be so short, but I must a little stand and admire at the unspeakable long-suffering patience of God, and oh that you would help me in this matter, for I profess I am much ashamed, and desire to be more, of my own heart, that it should be barren of praises to that God, that hath done sure as much or more for my poor soul, as to any since the Creation of the World; ⟨p. 150⟩Oh that Christ who could have raised a Child out of the very stones, that would have done far more for him than I have or can do; Oh I say that he who could with one look have looked me into Hell, should so long stand at the door of my heart, and knock till his head was filled with dew, and his Locks with the drops of the night;
Upon these and such like considerations, I went to a faithful Divine to ask advice of him concerning this great duty, and when I was with him, he examined me why and how I came to embrace Religion, and when I had given him the heads only of the first account concerning compunction, he asked me who I might thank for all this, but I being somewhat slow of answer, he told me Christ, and him alone, and gave me some short but sweet advice, inviting me to be a guest at his Masters table (which was the intention of my going, which was more than he then knew on) and so dismissed me, and oh how did I then rejoyce that I was found worthy to be invited to so great a banquet, and now how did I think my condition unquestionable, and nothing troubled me but want of assurance to persevere, and although the Doctor gave me a great caution to lay all upon Christ and not any thing upon self, as I now consider, but yet my eyes were so blind and my heart ⟨p. 149⟩so deceitful, that I soon forgot it; and so I prepared my heart as well as I could, and so addressed my self to the Lords Table, and was, so far as I can understand, made more welcome, I am sure than I deserved; and then I did feel the Lord with his cords of love, drawing hard at my poor soul, and so I exercised my love upon Christ, (and so far as I know) enjoyed sweet communion with him; but this lasted no longer, than my heart was enlarged in secret duties; but when they departed then my soul mourned, and could not be satisfied with a naked Christ, whilest my enlargements returned again to me, and by this I perceive I rested in duties, and not in Christ, and now once more as short as I can, and then I will conclude with this; but I cannot be so short, but I must a little stand and admire at the unspeakable long-suffering patience of God, and oh that you would help me in this matter, for I profess I am much ashamed, and desire to be more, of my own heart, that it should be barren of praises to that God, that hath done sure as much or more for my poor soul, as to any since the Creation of the World; ⟨p. 150⟩Oh that Christ who could have raised a Child out of the very stones, that would have done far more for him than I have or can do; Oh I say that he who could with one look have looked me into Hell, should so long stand at the door of my heart, and knock till his head was filled with dew, and his Locks with the drops of the night;
