Being bid to believe the Truths he had denied, he replied, I cannot, God will not suffer me to believe them, nor to trust in his mercy; what would you have me to do? I would, but I cannot, tho' I presently be burnt for it.
I find I can neither believe the Gospel, nor trust in Gods Mercy; I have sinned against the Holy Ghost, and God by his immutable Decree hath bound me over to perpetual Punishment: God will have mercy on whom he will have mercy, and whom he will he hardeneth; God hath taken away from me all power of Repentance, and brings all my sins to remembrance; and guilty of one, guilty of all, ⟨p. 47⟩therefore it is no matter whether my sins be great or small, few or many; they are such, that Christs Blood, nor the Mercy of God belongs not to me; he hath hardened me, I find that he daily more and more doth harden me, and therefore I am without hope; I feel it, therefore cannot but despair: I tell you, there was never such a Monster as I am, never was any man alive a spectacle of such exceeding Misery. I know that Justification is to be expected by Christ, and I have denied and abjured it, to the end I might keep my frail Life from Adversity, and my Children from Poverty, and now behold how bitter my Life is to me, and God only knows what will become of this my Family; but sure no good is likely to betide it, but worse and worse, and such at length as one stone shall not be left upon another.
Said he, The Spirit of God often admonished me, when at Cittadella I did as it were set my Seal, the Spirit of God often suggested to me, Do not, write Spira, do not Seal, yet I resisted the Holy Ghost, and did both, and at that very time I did evidently feel a wound inflicted my very will, &c.
David was Elected and dearly Beloved, and tho' he fell, yet God took not utterly away his holy Spirit, and therefore was heard when he prayed, Lord take not thy holy Spirit from me. But I am in another Case, being for ever accursed from the presence of God; neither can I pray as he did, because the Holy Spirit is quite gone, and cannot be recalled,— O that I might feel but the least sense of the Love of God to me, tho' but for one small moment, as I now feel his heavy Wrath that burns like Torments of Hell within me, and afflicts my Conscience with pangs unutterable: Very Desperation is Hell it self; you persuade me to believe, how fain would I do it, but I cannot:
Being bid to believe the Truths he had denied, he replied, I cannot, God will not suffer me to believe them, nor to trust in his mercy; what would you have me to do? I would, but I cannot, tho' I presently be burnt for it.
I find I can neither believe the Gospel, nor trust in Gods Mercy; I have sinned against the Holy Ghost, and God by his immutable Decree hath bound me over to perpetual Punishment: God will have mercy on whom he will have mercy, and whom he will he hardneth; God hath taken away from me all power of Repentance, and brings all my sins to remembrance; and guilty of one, guilty of all, ⟨p. 47⟩therefore it is no matter whether my sins be great or small, few or many; they are such, that Christs Blood, nor the Mercy of God belongs not to me; he hath hardened me, I find that he daily more and more doth harden me, and therefore I am without hope; I feel it, therefore cannot but despair: I tell you, there was never such a Monster as I am, never was any man alive a spectacle of such exceeding Misery. I know that Justification is to be expected by Christ, and I have denyed and abjured it, to the end I might keep my frail Life from Adversity, and my Children from Poverty, and now behold how bitter my Life is to me, and God only knows what will become of this my Family; but sure no good is likely to betide it, but worse and worse, and such at length as one stone shall not be left upon another.
Said he, The Spirit of God often admonished me, when at Cittadella I did as it were set my Seal, the Spirit of God often suggested to me, Do not, write Spira, do not Seal, yet I resisted the Holy Ghost, and did both, and at that very time I did evidently feel a wound inflicted my very will, &c.
David was Elected and dearly Beloved, and tho' he fell, yet God took not utterly away his holy Spirit, and therefore was heard when he prayed, Lord take not thy holy Spirit from me. But I am in another Case, being for ever accursed from the presence of God; neither can I pray as he did, because the Holy Spirit is quite gone, and cannot be recalled,— O that I might feel but the least sense of the Love of God to me, tho' but for one small moment, as I now feel his heavy Wrath that burns like Torments of Hell within me, and afflicts my Conscience with pangs unutterable: Very Desperation is Hell it self; you perswade me to believe, how fain would I do it, but I cannot:
