Wrath is come upon me to the utmost, God hath forsaken me, good Men are my Enemies; I hate my self, I am afraid and ashamed to go abroad, and am confused and distracted at home; the Scriptures look dreadfully upon me, I have raised Reproach, invented Reproach, and by it wronged multitudes,—I am afraid to live, and afraid to dye; Judgment I fear will be terrible in this World, and more in the World to come; I cannot give an Account of my Actions to Men, how much less to God! my Heart condemns me, and he is greater, and knows more: I think I have not only out done Cain, Balaam, and Judas, but some of the Devils themselves.
O I cannot Repent, I cannot Repent! I shall go to Hell! I am broken in Judgment; When I think to Pray, either I have a flushing in my Face as if I were in a flame, or I am dumb, I cannot speak; all the signs of one whom God hath left, forsaken and hardened—If I was in Heaven, it could not relieve me, for I should behold the Face of God and holy Saints, as now I behold the Face of good Men upon Earth, with shame and confusion of Face—and then again said, Wrath is come upon me to the uttermost—I am one of the greatest Hypocrites that ever lived upon the Earth, and shall be so accounted: God hath and will do his will upon me—Oh he thunders upon me! should God let out the sense of my sins on me, (as he will) I should howl like a Dog, roar like a Lyon, bellow like an Ox; mine inward parts would melt within me, as brass melts in a flaming fire; I shall lye lower than Judas, I have sinned worse then Judas—he quoting those words in Heb. 10. 2, 6. If we sin wilfully, after we have received the knowledge of the truths, remains no more sacrifice for sin, &c. he said, when I am faint and low, I take some refreshments, but in Hell, there is no refreshment, not a drop of Water to cool my Tongue.
To some that came to Visit him, and to Comfort him, he said, All is gone, I am undone—I have been so great a sinner against God, and the people of God, that God will have no Mercy on me, but will glorify himself by me, and make me an Example for the strengthening and establishing of his People, but it shall end in my destruction—God hath sworn in his Wrath that I shall never enter into his rest—I have been a loose and carnal Professor, ⟨p. 50⟩and if I were in the place of God, I should meet the same measure that God doth to me:
Wrath is come upon me to the utmost, God hath forsaken me, good Men are my Enemies; I hate my self, I am afraid and ashamed to go abroad, and am confused and distracted at home; the Scriptures look dreadfully upon me, I have raised Reproach, invented Reproach, and by it wronged multitudes,—I am afraid to live, and afraid to dye; Judgment I fear will be terrible in this World, and more in the World to come; I cannot give an Account of my Actions to Men, how much less to God! my Heart condemns me, and he is greater, and knows more: I think I have not only out done Cain, Balaam, and Judas, but some of the Devils themselves.
O I cannot Repent, I cannot Repent! I shall go to Hell! I am broken in Judgment; When I think to Pray, either I have a flushing in my Face as if I were in a flame, or I am dumb, I cannot speak; all the signs of one whom God hath left, forsaken and hardened—If I was in Heaven, it could not relieve me, for I should behold the Face of God and holy Saints, as now I behold the Face of good Men upon Earth, with shame and confusion of Face—and then again said, Wrath is come upon me to the utermost—I am one of the greatest Hypocrites that ever lived upon the Earth, and shall be so accounted: God hath and will do his will upon me—Oh he thunders upon me! should God let out the sence of my sins on me, (as he will) I should howl like a Dog, roar like a Lyon, bellow like an Ox; mine inward parts would melt within me, as brass melts in a flaming fire; I shall lye lower than Judas, I have sinned worse then Judas—he quoting those words in Heb. 10. 2, 6. If we sin willfully, after we have received the knowledge of the truths, remains no more sacrifice for sin, &c. he said, when I am faint and low, I take some refreshments, but in Hell, there is no refreshment, not a drop of Water to cool my Tongue.
To some that came to Visit him, and to Comfort him, he said, All is gone, I am undone—I have been so great a sinner against God, and the people of God, that God will have no Mercy on me, but will glorifie himself by me, and make me an Example for the strengthening and establishing of his People, but it shall end in my destruction—God hath sworn in his Wrath that I shall never enter into his rest—I have been a loose and carnal Professor, ⟨p. 50⟩and if I were in the place of God, I should meet the same measure that God doth to me:
