I was on my Bed praying this Morning, and the Lord helped me to pour out my Heart before him. And I saw, I could plead nothing in my self in regard of any Worthiness and Grace, or any Thing in Regard of God's Providence, or Promise; but only his good ⟨p. 15⟩Pleasure. I saw it was not, if I will, but if he will, then I should see and believe and live. And here I hung, pleading, how good, how pitiful and tender, how free this Will was. I saw it stood immovable, till it moved it self toward me. I saw God's Will was, that I should come; but I was afraid of mine own Activity and Working; and hence pleaded, Lord turn me, draw me, and I shall come!—And so I begged for my Wife, Child, Friends, Church, with Earnestness, that the Lord would give us but Mercy, and not suffer his Name to be polluted by us and by our Debts, though he should not honour himself by us! And if Mercy would make us poor and vile, blessed be it.—And if it would lead us and carry us to some other Place, and cover and over-shadow us, blessed be it. And I had secret Hints, that these Prayers from our Wants were but Preparations for future Mercies; and that we should see his Glory in the Land of the Living.— Then I began to arise after Prayer, without Faith as I thought, yet leaving all to his Grace. But the Lord showed me, how he had come to me and stirred up Prayers, (1) according to his own Will; (2) For his own Ends. For though I sought my self, yet seeing this, I entreated the Lord to glorify himself, and make us like unto his. And then I saw, how great a Sin it was to make Feeling a Ground and cause of my Faith. And I also thought, how exceedingly I should honour Jesus Christ, if I did believe, before I felt; How I should honour the Truth of Christ who hath said, he is one that hears Prayers.—I saw also a secret Distemper of my Heart, how I grew faint in Prayer, contrary to the Rule, Luk. 18. viz. not only by Discouragement but also by Encouragement, and Enlargement and Affections in Prayer.
I was on my Bed praying this Morning, and the Lord helped me to pour out my Heart before him. And I saw, I could plead nothing in my self in regard of any Worthiness and Grace, or any Thing in Regard of God's Providence, or Promise; but only his good ⟨p. 15⟩Pleasure. I saw it was not, if I will, but if he will, then I should see and believe and live. And here I hung, pleading, how good, how pitiful and tender, how free this Will was. I saw it stood immoveable, till it moved it self toward me. I saw God's Will was, that I should come; but I was afraid of mine own Activity and Working; and hence pleaded, Lord turn me, draw me, and I shall come!—And so I begged for my Wife, Child, Friends, Church, with Earnestness, that the Lord would give us but Mercy, and not suffer his Name to be polluted by us and by our Debts, though he should not honour himself by us! And if Mercy would make us poor and vile, blessed be it.—And if it would lead us and carry us to some other Place, and cover and over-shadow us, blessed be it. And I had secret Hints, that these Prayers from our Wants were but Preparations for future Mercies; and that we should see his Glory in the Land of the Living.— Then I began to arise after Prayer, without Faith as I thought, yet leaving all to his Grace. But the Lord shewed me, how he had come to me and stirred up Prayers, (1) according to his own Will; (2) For his own Ends. For though I sought my self, yet seeing this, I entreated the Lord to glorify himself, and make us like unto his. And then I saw, how great a Sin it was to make Feeling a Ground and cause of my Faith. And I also tho't, how exceedingly I should honour Jesus Christ, if I did believe, before I felt; How I should honour the Truth of Christ who hath said, he is one that hears Prayers.—I saw also a secret Distemper of my Heart, how I grew faint in Prayer, contrary to the Rule, Luk. 18. viz. not only by Discouragement but also by Encouragement, and Enlargement and Affections in Prayer.
